28 Nov A Motherless Mother’s Day

I wanted to publish this post after Mother’s Day because I didn’t want to be a downer or make people celebrating the holiday feel bad for doing so. I just wanted to write for everyone else who has lost a mom, doesn’t have a relationship with theirs, or any is in any other situation that can make this holiday painful for them.

Last year was my first Mother’s Day without my mom and I don’t remember it really affecting me, but for some reason, this year is different. This year I wanted to write about my anger and irritation towards this commercialized celebration of moms. Some people might argue that Mother’s Day is a celebration of all moms, or that if you lost your mom, Mother’s Day should be the day that you should honour her the most. These are both true, but unless you’re in my shoes, you can’t understand how painful this ‘celebration’ can be; you might not want to think about your mom because of how much it will upset you.

For me, Mother’s Day is supposed to be a happy day where you celebrate your mom, tell her you love her, and give her flowers, or a gift. This is exactly what I did for 16 years of my life; thankfully my mom had a Pandora bracelet, so at any holiday or birthday, my sister and I would get her a new charm. Then, my mom passed away and there wasn’t anyone to celebrate, to say ‘I love you’ to, or to give a gift to. I had to try and act like it was just any other day despite the hundreds of Mother’s Day related posts on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. It seemed like everywhere I looked there was something written about it.

This year I skipped the Mother’s Day lunch with my family because I had a photoshoot. I didn’t even realize that I was booking it on Mother’s Day; it was just May 10th in my mind. Part of me feels bad for missing the family lunch, but another part of me is glad I didn’t have to sit in a room without the one person that I’m supposed to be thinking about.

Last year, my therapist warned me that Mother’s Day might be hard for me, but it wasn’t and I expected it to be the same this year. But every single day for at least two weeks, I’ve been reminded that May 10th is gonna be shitty. Every day, I’ve gotten at least 2 emails telling me what the perfect gift for my mom is this year. Well it really sucks because there isn’t a mom here to accept my gifts anymore.

Unless you’ve lost a parent or for some reason don’t celebrate Mother’s or Father’s Day, you won’t understand how one email can ruin a huge part of your day. I think about my mom every day, but it’s usually something that brings back a happy memory; Mother’s Day is there to remind me that a lot of people have a mom, and I don’t. I wish there was a way that I could change something on my computer for it to say ‘My mom’s dead, don’t send me emails about a holiday that I won’t be celebrating!’ That way I wouldn’t get any emails relating to this day, but sadly, there isn’t anything I can really do about it.

I also don’t want people to feel like they shouldn’t take part in the holiday because of people like me, but it’s always nice to see others thinking of us. Anabela Piersol posted this beautiful picture today with the caption “Thinking of those of you who have lost your mothers x” and I found that to be really thoughtful. I’ve also gotten a couple texts from friends telling me that they’re thinking of me.

I know I’ve been complaining for this whole post, but I figured since I did have a mom (an amazing one), I could think about her on Mother’s Day for at least a little while. The photoshoot that I did with Vai Yu today was actually for her Tattoos That Tell Stories series, and my most recent one is in memory of my mom, so it’s actually kinda cool that it ended up being on this day. I also went through some old pictures and as a couple things that I keep on my bedside table for my mom. I have both of our hospital bracelets from when I was born, a little ladybug brooch, and a quote that she gave me a couple years ago.

So, for those who didn’t celebrate the holiday, I hope you stayed strong, and for those who did, make sure you told your mom just how much you love her…