06 Sep For Your 50th Birthday

Posted at 22:05h in Grief by

griefI’m writing this post on the day before what would’ve been my mother’s 50th birthday. I haven’t done a grief post in a while and I thought that this would be a good time to write about what’s been going on lately.

If you haven’t read my previous grief posts, you can check them out here:

People say that it gets better in time, which is true in some aspects; for example, I’m not crying every single day, not even every single week. However, I’ve come to the realization that my mom’s death will always be a huge part of my life that will never leave. In October, it will mark the 3 year anniversary of her passing, but to me it feels like it’s been so much longer. If I look back at my first year of university, it feels like it was just last month, but my mom’s battle with cancer feels like it was lifetimes away. There are some parts of her last days that I can’t even remember. Honestly, I haven’t cried about my mom in a long time, but writing this post is bringing me to tears. The hardest part for me is thinking about how much she suffered. My mom was the most amazing parent anybody could ask for; I never saw her cry once during her fight with breast cancer. But seeing her so frail by the end of it, not being able to breathe without an oxygen tank, barely able to walk up and down the stairs, that’s what crushes me.

I feel like I’m forgetting her. I can remember what she used to look like and how she used to speak, but I can’t remember small details like how she smelled, what it felt like to be hugged by her… Of course I have pictures and videos that I can go back to, but it’s just not the same. Sometimes I think about what my life would be like if she didn’t pass away.
She would come downtown and have brunch with me on weekends.
She would be the first person that I would call when I get sick/stressed/upset.
She would be my number 1 fan with anything that I would want to do.
She would be cheering me on at my graduation this year.
When I see girls with their moms, I can’t help but get a little sad. Nobody ever thinks that they’re going to lose their mom at 17. I will say that I’m lucky to have had 17 years with such an amazing mother. I was lucky to have her there when I graduated from high school and going to prom, which my sister won’t have this year. I’m also graduating from university in May and it breaks my heart just thinking about her not being there.

Recently, I’ve also been thinking about what it’s going to be like to get married without her, or have kids. And I’m not saying that I’m planning on doing those things in the next couple of years, but eventually, it’s a reality that I’m going to have to face. This summer, two women that I know had babies, and it was such an exciting time in their lives. But for some reason, when I think about what it’s going to be like for me, all I can think about is how lost I’m going to be and how sad it is that my mom will never meet her grandkids. Now, I shouldn’t even be worrying about this at 20, but this is where my mind goes sometimes…

My life has changed drastically since my mom passed away, but I also didn’t realize how much it had affected other people. She had two main groups of friends, and in the past couple of years, those groups dissipated. I lost my mom, but other people lost a really good friend. I’ve also lost contact with some of her friends that were around when I was growing up. And it’s not like I don’t want to see them, it’s just hard for me to keep in contact with all of them, plus have my own circle of friends. Not having a mother figure is really hard, there’s some times when you just want to call your mom and have her fix everything for you. In the past couple of years, I’ve become closer with my aunt, and other great women, but at the end of the day, nobody will be able to replace my mother.

Ever since I realized that it was going to be my Mom’s 50th birthday, I’ve been pretty down. I’ve been staying home, not really talking to anyone, and I’ve been really anxious. Writing this post has helped me get some of those emotions out and hopefully tomorrow will be a peaceful day for me.

Happy birthday Mom

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